Why don't you ask me what it feels like to be a freak?
Took a break from writing today, after the emotional rollercoaster that was last night. Spent the entire day downloading, downloading, downloading. I can honestly say, I love KaZaa Lite. At this moment in time, my mind is entirely blank when I try to think of what I'm going to download next, so I do believe that means it's time to quit for the night.
American Made Music To Strip By is mine, at last. cheers, goes crosseyed, falls over
Tomorrow, it will be back to writing- but today was good. Not one panic attack to speak of, and I actually had a pretty enjoyable day. I honestly didn't know how it was going to turn out, after last night. Basically, yesterday was one LONG panic attack after another, and even popping 3 xanax (seperately, not together) was not enough to shut them off. But dayum, I slept like a corpse when I finally went to bed. And if I had any dreams, I certainly don't remember them.
I know what I'm working towards now, as I write. I know what I'm building towards, and lemme tell ya- it feels kind of weird to calmly be going over this stuff, in my head. It was the weirdest, most traumatic, and most fucked up part of my life (and that's saying a hell of a lot, believe me), but after all was said and done, it was also bloody fantastic. Go figure. That's why it's so hard to just sit down, and toss all of this stuff onto paper. I have to trudge through all of the hideousness, to get to the good parts. And right now, I am about eyeball deep in nightmare territory.
But I can also say, it's making me feel better, in a strange way. I feel like I'm in the eye of a hurricane, every night. Just me, good old Wordpad, my music, and my memories. What started out as scary, is turning out to be very comforting.
And no matter how fucked up my life has been? I would not change a thing. There have been so many amazing people that I've met along the way, and if even one little part of my life had been different, I might not have met them. And to me, that is unacceptable.
So, yeah. Don't *I* rock.
Bruce, wherever the hell you are right now...I just want you to know that I remember *everything*, and I never did get the chance to thank you. And, ummm...I miss you.
Night, all.