only sleeping

I think about you.

People tell me I shouldn't bother, that you've made your choice and I should respect that. Have the decency to move on quietly and without much fanfare. I'd like to think I've done that, but it doesn't stop the thoughts that pop into my head at random times...usually right before I fall asleep at night.

Or like now.

Are you happy? Do you think about us at all? Do you think about the destruction you left behind?

It doesn't matter. People make choices. People break promises. People lie through their teeth and don't ever realize that someone else might see that they *are*, indeed, lying.

He knew. He knew for a long time before I even realized he had the first clue that something was not right where you were concerned. It used to make me so goddamn angry that you could jerk him around like that. That you would manipulate him, like he was some sort of puppet. I didn't give him enough credit, I guess- because imagine my surprise when I finally snapped and ranted about all of the lies, and he sat back with a sad smile on his face and said "I know."

He didn't care any more. All the times you assumed he didn't care, and there I was, going to bat for you, insisting that he loved you more than anything. I was stupid. I didn't see it. But I understand *why* he didn't care any more. He couldn't take it any more, always feeling like a non-entity. Always feeling like he didn't matter at all. Like he was invisible.

I try to make him feel like he matters. I try to listen to him, even when he doesn't have anything to say besides "I'm tired, It's been a long day." It doesn't bother me, the way it used to bother you, when he slips up and repeats himself. Or maybe doesn't know quite what to say. You know *why* it doesn't bother me? Because he's a wonderful man, with a huge heart. I didn't know that people like him *existed* before I met you. It's ironic, isn't it? I didn't compete with you for his attention. I didn't steal him from you, like so many people tried to insinuate that I would. You gave him to me. You *gave* him to me.

I should thank you for that, but I'm too angry. You hurt him. Not by leaving- no, like I said, by the time you left, he was completely burned out and just didn't *care* any more. You hurt him with all of your lies. You hurt him by assuming that he was too stupid to see the truth.

Did you hurt *me*? I wish I could sit back and say no. I *can* say that I expected this to happen, all along. I *can* say that the first thing I felt on realizing that you were gone for good is *relief*. But I can't say it didn't hurt. Still does, actually, at weird times. Always when I least expect it. Always when I think you're not on my mind any more. Something will happen, and I'll get the urge to tell you about it, because it's something that only *you* would understand. It takes me a while, sometimes, to realize you're not going to re-appear in a week or a month with some tragic story excusing your absense.

It's funny, though, because it doesn't always feel like you're gone. Sometimes I feel like you're still with me, and that just...pisses me off more than you can imagine. It makes me happy, too- good luck figuring that out. I never claimed to make sense. I never claimed to be rational.

I loved you. I would have done anything for you. It wasn't enough. And that's funny, too, because I always knew it wasn't enough. Think of all of the times I came running to you, an emotional wreck, because of this *feeling*...this certainty...that you needed more. You would reassure me, use all sorts of pretty words that I knew at the time were completely meaningless. We play these silly games with ourselves when there's something right in front of us that we want to believe more than anything else. More than our common sense.

He told our friends that if you ever come back, they're not supposed to let you get ahold of me. As far as you're concerned, both of us are gone forever. See, he's funny that way. He gets protective as shit over people he cares about. I'm funny that way, too.

I don't ever want to hurt him the way that you did. He deserves better than that. He tells me that I do, too...but I'm not so sure. See, I'm not stupid. I know this is karma, because I've treated people I cared about *very* badly. I've thought of myself before them, quieted my conscience with whispers of "this is what I need to do, for my own good." "this is what I need to do, to be happy." It's all bullshit, of course. I can see *now* that I should have done all sorts of things differently.

I can't change the past, but I can stop myself from repeating the same mistakes in the future.

I can take a look at *you*, and how this ended...and resolve to never treat another person how you treated the two of us. I'm sure I'll still fuck up, and make mistakes...but I can *try* to be a better person.

A part of me will always love you. A part of me will never forget how *good* things were. And a part of me will never stop missing you. But I've learned it's not the end of the world. Things are *good*, now. I'm happier than I've been in a long, long time.

I hope you are, too.

Posted by at 3:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Pin Heads

If enacted, the Constitution Restoration Act will effectively transform the United States into a theocracy, where the arbitrary dictates of a "higher power" can override law.

By Chris Floyd
Published: March 12, 2004

One of the sticking points in crafting the just-signed "interim constitution" of the Pentagon cash cow formerly known as Iraq was the question of acknowledging Islam as the fundamental source of law. After much wrangling, a fudge was worked out that cites the Koran as a fundamental source of legal authority, with the proviso that no law can be passed that conflicts with Islam.

We in the enlightened West smile at such theocratic quibbling, of course: Imagine, national leaders insisting that a modern state be governed solely by divine authority! Governments guaranteeing the right of religious extremists to impose their views on society! What next -- debates about how many angels can dance on the head of a pin? Oh, those poor, ignorant barbarians in Babylon!

Well, wipe that smile off your face. For even now, the ignorant barbarians in Washington are pushing a law through Congress that would "acknowledge God as the sovereign source of law, liberty [and] government" in the United States. What's more, it would forbid all legal challenges to government officials who use the power of the state to enforce their own view of "God's sovereign authority." Any judge who dared even hear such a challenge could be removed from office.

The "Constitution Restoration Act of 2004" is no joke; it was introduced last month by some of the Bush Regime's most powerful Congressional sycophants. If enacted, it will effectively transform the American republic into a theocracy, where the arbitrary dictates of a "higher power" -- as interpreted by a judge, policeman, bureaucrat or president -- can override the rule of law.

The Act -- drafted by a minion of television evangelist Pat Robertson -- is the fruit of decades of work by a group of extremists known broadly as "Dominionists." Their openly expressed aim is to establish "biblical rule" over every aspect of society -- placing "the state, the school, the arts and sciences, law, economics, and every other sphere under Christ the King." Or as Attorney General John Ashcroft -- the nation's chief law enforcement officer -- has often proclaimed: "America has no king but Jesus!"

According to Dominionist literature, "biblical rule" means execution -- preferably by stoning -- of homosexuals and other "revelers in licentiousness"; massive tax cuts for the rich (because "wealth is a mark of God's favor"); the elimination of government programs to alleviate poverty and sickness (because these depend on "confiscation of wealth"); and enslavement for debtors. No legal challenges to "God's order" will be allowed. And because this order is divinely ordained, the "elect" can use any means necessary to establish it, including deception, subversion, even violence. As Robertson himself adjures the faithful: "Zealous men force their way in."

Again, this is no tiny band of cranks meeting in some basement in Alabama, as recent reports by investigators Karen Yurica and David Neiwert make clear. The Dominionists are bankrolled and directed by deep-pocketed, well-connected business moguls and political operatives who have engineered a takeover of the Republican Party and are now at the heart of the U.S. government. They've made common cause with the "American Empire" faction -- Cheney, Rumsfeld, the neo-conservatives -- who seek "full-spectrum dominance" over the globe. The Dominionists provide money and domestic political muscle for the Dominators' imperial ambitions; in return, the Dominators provide a practical vehicle -- overwhelming military might and state power -- for making the Dominionists' dreams a reality.

The Dominionist movement was founded by the late R.J. Rushdoony, a busy beaver who also co-founded the Council for National Policy. The CNP is the politburo of the American conservative movement, filled with top-rank political and business leaders who set the national agenda for the vast echo chamber of right-wing foundations, publishers, media networks and universities that have schooled a whole generation in obscurantist bile -- just as the extremist Wahabbi religious schools funded by Saudi billionaires have poisoned the Islamic world with hatred and ignorance.

One of the chief moneybags behind the rise of Dominionism was tycoon Harold Ahmanson, Rushdoony's protege and fellow CNP member. In addition to establishing theocracy in America, Ahmanson has another abiding interest: computerized voting machines. As reported here last year, Ahmanson, a fervent Bush backer, was instrumental in establishing two of the Republican-controlled companies now rushing to install their highly hackable machines -- with untraceable, unrecountable electronic ballots -- across the country in time for the November election.

The Dominionists also have strong backing on the Supreme Court, Yurica notes. Justice Antonin Scalia, author of the unconstitutional ruling that gave Bush the presidency, declared in the theological journal First Things that the state derives its moral authority from God, not the "consent of the governed," as that old licentious reveler Thomas Jefferson held in the Declaration of Independence. No, government "is the 'minister of God' with powers to 'revenge,' to 'execute wrath,' including even wrath by the sword," Scalia wrote. He railed against the "tendency of democracy to obscure the divine authority behind government."

Meanwhile, the tools of dominion keep expanding. Just days after the Congressional Bushists launched their theocratic missile, General Ralph Eberhart, head of America's first domestic military command, said the Regime must now bring the experience learned on foreign battlefields to the "Homeland" itself, including the integration of police, military and intelligence forces, "wide-area surveillance of the United States" and "urban warfare tactics," GovExec.com reports.

Put this juggernaut at the service of democracy-hating extremists with no legal restraints on their enforcement of "God's sovereign authority" -- plus a proven track record of subverting the law to gain political power -- and what would you have? A mullah state? A military theocracy?

Or should we just call it "a second term"?

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source

Posted by at 4:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)